בס"ד
A substantial amount of parshas Ki Thetze deals with sex crimes. Among other things it imposes a death penalty for adultury. It starts with the laws concerning a woman captured by Israel in a war against an enemy. The discussion is somewhat garbled. It starts by implying that the soldier's desire is to marry her. To do this he must wait a month during which she does a number of things that make her unattractive. After that the Chumash explicitly says he can have relations with her (תָּבוֹא אֵלֶיהָ) and marry her. There is then a twist which says if the man changes his mind he can send her away, but can not sell her for cash or keep her as a slave. The reason given is because, "you humbled her", (עִנִּיתָהּ). However in other contexts, specifically with Dina, it is generally understood as raped.
This causes all sorts of discussions among the commentaries. While not precisely taking a position on this Rashi explains that Scripture makes this concession only because of man’s evil inclination specifically his carnal desires. Others add that in war lust is greatly aroused plus enemy woman will use seduction as a means of survival. Rashi continues, "If the Holy One, blessed be He, would not permit her to him as a wife, he would nevertheless marry her although it was forbidden to. However, if he does marry her, in the end he will hate her, for Scripture writes immediately afterwards, (v. 15) “If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, etc.” and ultimately he will beget a wayward and rebellious son by her (v. 18). It is for this reason that these sections are put in juxtaposition". The next section gives the laws concerning the wayward and rebellious son, who is so bad that he is legally executed at the initiation of his parents.
These mitzvahs are a lesson in pitfalls and what not to do. On the other hand the stories of the patriarchs are lessons on the proper approach to sexuality. Much attention is paid to their relationships with their wives particularly in courtship. Sarah is described as beautiful but only when it becomes an issue. Rebecca is initially described as very beautiful and her virginity is emphasized. Leah is described as having soft eyes. Yaakov's relationship with his wives, especially Rachel, receives a lot of attention. The Chumash emphasizes that Rachel was beautiful. It also describes love at first sight. Yaakov has no difficulty waiting seven years to marry her. These relationships are portrayed as examples of purity. Abraham and Yaakov engage in polygamy but the message seems to be that this type of relationship is undesirable. Promiscuity is condemned in all of the religious literature.
There seems to be three types of physical relationships between a man and a woman. The primary one is marriage between soulmates. This would be the heavenly voice described in the Gemara that before a girl is born she is designated to a specific man. The idea is that they are both halves of the same soul. It is an aspect of the song of Adam the first man, "This time, it is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one shall be called ishah (woman) because this one was taken from ish (man)". Here the products of the marriage, especially children, are manifestations of both of them.
The second type seems to be a variant of levirite marriage, which the Chumash calls יִבוּם. In it a man marries his brother's childless widow for the purpose of producing an heir for his brother. This would be like what the Gemara calls זִווּג שֵנִי or second soulmate. Here they are not parts of the same soul but nevertheless united by a common purpose that finds favor in the eyes of heaven. This is what Hakadosh Baruch Hu called, "a helpmate opposite him (עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ)". To a certain extent the spouses are surrogates for their true mates. The zivog sheni also seems to be a consolation. Perhaps a person lost their soul mate because of sin and this is an act of mercy or an aspect of repentance. Other times the person is blameless. Perhaps it is the zivug reshon that sinned or it is simply fate. The products of this partnership, especially children, are inclined towards one of them but not both. Even so it is a good business.
The last situation is adultery or a variant of it. Here the couple is not part of a higher soul nor share a legitimate purpose. They are still spiritually attached to their designated mates even if they are not married to them. The offspring of this union in essence are illegitimate. Even if they are legally married, it only has external form but lacks actual substance.
The soulmate relationship typically is exclusive and permanent. The couple is interested in each other, looks at things deeply, and will be tolerant and understanding. They are in touch with the other's feelings and drawn to be helpful and humble. Love and sex create very strong bonds. There is also an inclination towards religion.
Promiscuity seems to be inherently adulterous. The initial intention is for the relationship to be temporary and even very short. The character is to be shallow, secretive, selfish, and useless. Sexual guilt makes them anti religious. It alternates between a lot of laughs and depression. There is no love but sometimes they will put on a performance.
The message is that a relationship that exists only because of lust ultimately will be a disaster. A popular yeshiva homily is that the Hebrew word for man (אִיש) has a yod (י) in the middle and the word for woman (אִשָה) ends in heh (ה) and that his spells out one of the names of G-d (י-ה). The hint is that without religion the only thing keeping the couple together is fire (אֵש - fire in Hebrew). However lust is not enough for a sustainable relationship.
לע"נ האמא מלכה בת חיים ז"ל נלב"ע טז ניסן תשנ"ח
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