Psalm 110 - for victory in war

בס"ד

A time for war time, a time for peace.
A time of love, a time of hate. 

(Kohelet \ Ecclesiastes)

Joseph was the most difficult to provoke into war, but once in war, was the most dangerous. (Sefer HaYashar \ Book of Jasher)

Psalm 110

for victory in war

1. Said Hashem to my Lord, “Sit at My right hand until I set Your enemies as a stool for your feet.”

א. לְדָוִ֗ד מִ֫זְמ֥וֹר נְאֻ֚ם יְהֹוָ֨ה | לַֽאדֹנִ֗י שֵׁ֥ב לִֽימִינִ֑י עַד־אָשִׁ֥ית אֹֽ֜יְבֶ֗יךָ הֲדֹ֣ם לְרַגְלֶֽיךָ:

2. The rod of your strength Hashem has sent from Zion, “Rule in the midst of Your enemies.”

ב. מַטֵּ֚ה עֻזְּךָ֗ יִשְׁלַ֣ח יְ֖הֹוָה מִצִיּ֑וֹן רְ֜דֵ֗ה בְּקֶ֣רֶב אֹֽיְבֶֽיךָ:

3. Your people shall be willing on Your day of valor, arrayed in holy splendor, from birth from daybreak, to you belongs the dew of Your youth.

ג. עַמְּךָ֥ נְדָבֹת֘ בְּי֪וֹם חֵ֫ילֶ֥ךָ בְּהַדְרֵי־קֹ֖דֶשׁ מֵרֶ֣חֶם מִשְׁחָ֑ר לְ֜ךָ֗ טַ֣ל יַלְדֻתֶֽךָ:

4. The LORD has sworn and will not change, “You are a priest forever my righteous king.”

ד. נִשְׁבַּ֚ע יְהֹוָ֨ה | וְלֹ֥֬א יִנָּחֵ֗ם אַתָּה־כֹהֵ֥ן לְעוֹלָ֑ם עַל־דִּ֜בְרָתִ֗י מַלְכִּי־צֶֽדֶק:

5. The Lord is at Your right hand; He will crush kings on the day of His wrath.

ה. אֲדֹנָ֥י עַל־יְמִֽינְךָ֑ מָחַ֖ץ בְּיוֹם־אַפּ֣וֹ מְלָכִֽים:

6. He will judge the nations, heaping up the dead; He will crush heads on the ground.

ו. יָדִ֣ין בַּ֖גּוֹיִם מָלֵ֣א גְוִיּ֑וֹת מָ֥חַץ רֹ֜֗אשׁ עַל־אֶ֥רֶץ רַבָּֽה:

7. From the brook by the road he will drink and thus hold his head high.

ז. מִנַּחַל בַּדֶּ֣רֶךְ יִשְׁתֶּ֑ה עַל־כֵּ֜֗ן יָרִ֥ים רֹֽאשׁ:

LSD

 

בדחילו ורחימו      

With trepidation and love

LSD

This blog is about sacred plants stimulating romantic love and elevating it to love of God. It's not an easy topic, but it seems to be what's needed now. To a certain extent it needs to be jumbled and stream of consciousness prose.

How great is the restorative power of LSD?

My mind believes it can be very helpful. My soul believes it can do the impossible.

It seems to me as we deal meaningfully with two statements made by Albert Hoffmann, the father of the psychedelic revolution, the more things will fall into place. They are

1. "I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing material aid to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive reality". Final statement of Albert Hofmann in his book "LSD — My Problem Child"

2. The questions raised by hallucinogenic drugs do actually belong in the church — in a prominent place in the church, for they are sacred drugs (peyotl, teonanacatl, ololiuhqui), with which LSD is mostly closely related by chemical structure and activity, (ibid p90).

(Albert Hofmann, LSD My Problem Child)

https://youtu.be/xpjYZaDRkw8 

Captain of our fairy band, 

Helena is here at hand, 

And the youth, mistook by me, 

Pleading for a lover’s fee. 

Shall we their fond pageant see? 

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

(William Shakespeare, Midsummer's Night Dream)

To understand LSD, its best to view it as love dust in the hands of an angel of Hashem 

God spoke to my mother telling her to, "Climb Mount Everest". God spoke to me once. It was in a dream but it was totally real.

I said to her that if you show up with two hits of LSD I'll ask you to marry me. When she smiled and raised her eyebrow in interest, I quickly added, don't do it. She was not my soulmate.

The first LSD trip is probably the most important one and may set the trend for every trip that occurs after it. For me thank God the set and setting was very good. I was with close friends. It was a warm loving group of people who trusted each other. 

As the experience became more intense, I started to develop very strong feelings of love. It was basically exhibiting my innate love ability. I started to keep a journal. At first I would repeatedly write the word love on a page and I filled several pages with that one word. Next I combined it with erotic words such as ecstasy, orgasm, and f____. 

Next my thoughts turned to my first love, who I was emotionally involved with at the time. She was very pretty, but her character and perception outshined her beauty. She was not Jewish, not inclined to convert to Judaism, and not particularly religious. I was far from being promiscuous. I'd say that her ability to ask this question, sometime later when I was corresponding with her, was what seduced me. It was this, "Do you know who the real David Schreiber is and where can I find him?" I wrote her back replying, "the question is deep and searching, but sadly I do not know the answer". We both went our own separate ways. The question though remained with me. When I moved to Israel, I discovered the answer. It was that you could find the real David Schreiber living in Geula and studying in the Breslav Beis Midrash. Tripping at Rutgers, I wrote her name in large letters and above it I wrote "irreconcilable".

The LSD intensified. As it did I wrote love and errotic words largely using a page for each phrase. Continuing I wrote "ecstasy" than "orgasm". I scribbled on a page than as if I had found the source of happiness in life, I wrote, "Love and a f____". As I peaked on the LSD I giggled then wrote, "f____ you God". I was immediately shocked. I loved religion, religious studies, religious observance. How could I write or even think something as vulgar as that? It was extremely disturbing, it remained with me and I pondered it often. 

Years later I discussed it with a friend and confidant. He was a rabbi from a prominent distinguished rabbinic family. I had discussed sacred plants with him more than once. When I went to Amsterdam to take psychedelic mushrooms, with my father I gave him the details. My father phoned me not long after I peaked. There was some concern on his part. I was a little irritated because it was clear that the effects were beneficial. We had a short conversation, which thank God, went well. The next morning my friend called me as well. He too was concerned. I was happy to hear from him and assured him that everything was fine. 

Anyway I discussed the difficult comment I had made when I peaked on my first trip on LSD. I said I had come up with two interpretations of it. The favorable one was that I really did desire intimacy with י-ה-ו-ה along the lines of its descriptions in The Song of Songs, Psalm 45, and the romantic section in the book of Isaiah. Draw me after You and I will run, the king brought me into his Chambers, we will be revealed and ecstatic. We will be happy in you. Your love possesses me more than wine. Sincerely do I love you. 

However, there was a dark interpretation of what I wrote. I explained that I did not believe I would ever get married and that this was a decree from heaven. Even when I was successfully wooing a woman, when I would reach for the diamond, the angel of God would push my hand into the fire, like the Midrash about Moshe Rabenu. As such I harbored a smoldering resentment and this is where it came out.

I entered through the door I had unlocked years later into the room of intimacy with Havaya, May He be blessed. I felt an intense feeling of jealousy coming from God. This was real. It was not clear whether the meditation that followed was in the playground of my imagination or a harbinger of things to come. As a meditation it was a good one. As a reality it sparked very mixed feelings among them, dread.

In any case He told me that my request for the girl had been granted. However it was not as I had thought it would be. It was not a shidduch date, a classmate, neighbor, or coworker. Rather it was a friend or teacher giving me their beautiful beloved daughter to me as a love gift, as a way to draw me closer to them, and the things that they held most dear. It was like Yisro giving Tzippora to Moshe Rabenu because he loved and respected him. As such I should reciprocate with love and appreciation towards my friend for giving me such a wonderful gift. What God was telling me that as intense as the love of the girl may be, I should never lose sight that she was a love gift from heaven and should behave accordingly.

To further elucidate the Holy One, blessed be He, assumed the form of my mother at the times I was the object of her jealousy. My mother was constantly bugging me to get married. However the girls she introduced me to were always unattractive and unappealing. She did not want me to love my wife more than I loved her. 

It reminded me of a time when I was living in Geula and studying at a yeshiva. A conversation with one of the rabbis threw me into a state of being intensely love sick. My roommate took note and commented that HaKadosh Baruch Hu once said to King David concerning Bathsheva, sometimes I think you love her more than you love me. I thought to myself that is not true. However much I love this girl, I love religion more, even though it does not look like that right now.

The vision became more extreme with Hashem assuming the form of my wife and a very jealous one at that. She said her love relationship with me was far greater than the one with my soulmate. She would even be better in bed. Just the same my soulmate was mine. However I should beware lest the Shechinah cry out to me like Sarah emanu cried out to Abraham, I gave you my handmaiden in your arms and this is what happened. 

You should love religion with your whole heart. You should dedicate your life to it and use everything that is best in you in its pursuit. The five books of Moses, the words of the prophets, and the inspired words of the righteous should be in your heart. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are comfortable in your home or when you are traveling, when you are going to sleep and when you are getting up. They should be adornments like a ring on your finger, a patch on your shoulder, a feather in your hat. You should write them at the entrances to your cities and on the walls of your home. This is not a difficult commandment. It is to be found in the values you hold most dear and the texts you love the most.

############

EXCHANGE OF EMAILS WITH A PROHIBITIONIST FRIEND:

P: Yeah, LSD did wonders for Kenny Foti when he kicked out the glass window at the Blue Horizon, severely cutting his leg.  I shall not be prosecuting anymore, but if it were to happen, I would gladly prosecute LSD users.

Yoseph: Then again Suzie did show up in a hurry at the student health center to give Foti a lot of tender loving care. She may be a dubious prize, but they are still married and he does love her dearly. 

Not detailed in the essay was that on our first trip, Slim, Foti, Anagnost, and I, visited the girls of the Blue Horizon at Douglas. Barb Watson happened to be there too. I continued my journal there, using Barb's notebook. They asked what I was writing, it was basically more of the same. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, I let everyone read it. When the night was over, I left it there. 

The next morning, when I was in a more rational state of mind, I promptly drove there to retrieve the notebook. Barb answered the door and with a smile said, I thought that you'd come back for it and handed  me the notebook. As soon as she shut the door I opened it. On the first page was a stick it note, in which she had written that I should not be embarrassed, because we all feel that way, too. I was moved to tears that she had been so thoughtful. She and Slim later got married.

Was LSD a factor in these two marriages happening. I'd say certainly with Ken & Suzie and probably with Slim and Barb.

Put that in your jail cell and smoke it!

Day by Day

 בס"ד

I’m still safe here in Beit Shemesh. Unfortunately at 1:50 PM there was a missile attack on my town. First I heard the sirens of the early warning system. I then moved to a safer place in my apartment. Next I heard the thuds of explosions. The news said that two people were wounded and a building was set on fire. It was not in my neighborhood.

I live in a basement apartment so it's basically underground. However, it's important to get away from the windows to avoid glass if they are shattered. Should a missile go through the window, God forbid, it would be fatal, unless I was very lucky. In recent years all residential apartments are constructed with a room that has reinforced concrete walls to be used as a bomb shelter and I do have access to them. Their main use is during extended periods of shelling. 

The authorities advise people to remain at home as much as possible, which is what I do. Nevertheless I’ll take a walk for exercise and go shopping. I have face to face conversations with people every day. On Shabbos I visit friends for a festive meal. I have telephone and video conversations regularly with family and friends. On Facebook I often exchange comments with others. It's actually a lot of human contact especially since I tend to be an introvert and somewhat of a recluse.

Wars and terrorist acts have been going on for a while. I’m basically battle hardened. This war has managed to shake me somewhat. I don’t greatly fear for my personal safety and tend to reckon myself as a survivor. Concerning this situation, I have a sense of foreboding that it will be very bloody. This is reinforced by the attitudes of the public and the actions of the politicians. They are basically calling for an invasion of the Gaza strip. My feeling is that such a thing really is inevitable, and the time may very well have arrived. My expectation, though, is that such an action would result in many Israeli casualties. We probably need this, as ugly as it may be.

I don’t think this is just about Gaza. I can easily see this expanding to involve the entire land of Israel. Some of the news sites I follow are saying that World War 3 has already started. They point to the existing war in Ukraine and tensions over Taiwan, Korea, west Africa, etc., etc. etc. Some of the other harbingers are the demonstrations taking place just about everywhere and secessionist sentiments in the United States. Anti Semitism is more intense than I’ve ever seen and it is getting worse. At this point I don’t think it will remain viable for a Jew to live anywhere in the world except Israel, even though the problems here are evident.

Often I’m heartsick about the situation and the only thing I can do is mope. Just the same I remain cheerful and optimistic. I get kind messages of concern, love, and support from people I haven't seen in many years. I tend to look at it like going on a diet. It's painful but in the end the person is healthier, happier, and better looking.

To be more conventional, I just returned from a wedding in my neighborhood. Quite frankly it was bittersweet. It was religious nationalist with many of the friends of the couple, yeshiva students who combine their religious studies with military service. They were spirited with high morale. They are the type of soldiers that win wars. I was accepted with joy and honor. I expressed disappointment that there were so many young people but not a single joint. They offered to provide me with some dope, but didn't deliver. I also flirted with one of the cuties. In Israel you must know how to flirt. She was young, pretty, and charming. Mercifully she did not seduce me. They did have whisky and beer and I’m still enjoying the moment. As the song says, “You're gonna find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road. If you don't Stop and Smell the roses along the way,” (by Mac Davis).

The Beat Goes On

 בס"ד

I’m still safe here in Beit Shemesh. Thank God, There have been no missile or guerilla attacks where I live. I’m far enough away from the Gaza Strip not to be a target. The son of a friend of mine was called up for military service. Most of my friends are Haredi (ultra Orthodox) so the army in this case is not an issue. Typically there are a lot of Arabs working here, doing things like sanitation, construction, driving buses, and stocking supermarket shelves. Consequently there are inconveniences. 

The situation concerning the Arabs is multifaceted. In Gaza they are implacably hostile to a Jewish state in Israel, horribly gruesome, and total savages. The ones within the State of Israel see themselves as servants in the house of Abraham. They enjoy a comparison to Ishmael and Hagar. To the chagrin of many they see themselves like the Jews in New York, namely as well treated expatriates. They often enjoy discussing scripture and morality tales with Jews. However, one should avoid saying the word “gun” to them, because they are easily stirred up. 

The news is worrisome. There has been a large mobilization in anticipation of a major invasion of Gaza. Such an operation would be very bloody. If they consider it to be excessive, Hezbollah over the border in Lebanon and Iran have threatened to join the fray. What happened from Gaza was essentially a series of hit and run attacks. Conceivably they could be replicated by other enemies. Consequently the situation remains tense. 

Generally the social situation concerns me the most. The Jews, particularly in Israel, are spiritually confused and depleted. As a result it invites enemy attacks with a sluggish response. Sadly there is an overemphasis on guns and coercion. People all too often cannot understand the position of others much less rationally debate them. There is an emphasis on parroting the narrative without giving it a reality check. People tend to love their dogs, but not each other. I’ve started to advocate radical solutions, like instigating the CIA to put a ton of LSD into the Jerusalem water supply. The subject is lengthy and perhaps I will develop it in other blogs.

For myself the beat goes on. Today I renewed my lease at a rent that is fair to both my and my landlady. I’ve also been walking more in the park. The news is interesting but becomes repetitive fairly rapidly. Not too long ago I partook of sacred plants and it has made me much more contemplative. Some of the subjects are difficult, however, these tend to purify me and give me the best insights. I remain optimistic and in good spirits. Even if there is anxiety about the present, the hope is that the bad things that bedevil me will be destroyed and the future will be bright. To quote Psalm 91:7-8, “A thousand will fall by your side and a multitude at your right hand, but to you it will not approach. Only with your eyes take note, and the retribution of the evil, you will see”. “With the length of days, I will satisfy him, and I will show him My salvation”, (ibid 16).

Calm in Beit Shemesh

בס"ד

Thank God, things are calm in Beit Shemesh. I may have heard a missile but there were no sirens that accompany enemy action.  For myself I did some errands, took a walk, did some socializing, and went  shopping. Many people were stocking up on food. The lines were somewhat long. The shelves were not as full as normal. More businesses are opening. The schools are still closed. People tend to be friendly. 

The Palestinians are continuing their missile attacks from Ashkelon, about 12 miles from Gaza, to Tel Aviv. The areas that border Gaza have had fatalities. There are conflicting reports as to whether Palestinian troops are still operating in the areas that they seized in their surprise attack. Documented Israeli fatalities now are numbered at around 900 and more are expected to emerge. There are also an estimated 100 captured Israelis in Gaza. Guerillas are still active, but not as effective as before. Arab cities like Shchem (Nablus) have been more restive. Preparations are being made for a major ground action in Gaza and there is talk about reestablishing military control of the enclave. Things are calmer now at least for the time being.

The war has not spread to Hezbollah and northern Israel nor has Iran gotten militarily involved. Both though have threatened action if Israeli action in Gaza threatens to be an expulsion. It seems to be that a sudden massive attack remains a real threat, especially in areas close to the Arabs. Thank God, Beit Shemesh is not one of them. Generally the Arabs have high morale and are effective. The Israelis are sluggish, confused, and inept. Consequently it is unclear whether there will be continued Arab violence, perhaps even escalating. Syria remains a major question mark.

In any event I’m basically cheerful. I’m not generally worried about my personal safety, nor the safety of my friends. It happens, though, that a girl I knew in USY, Nava Zlochever, lives on a kibbutz that had to be evacuated. I looked at the Facebook page of Meira Lustgarten nee Martha Serotkin and she’s safe. 

In my book there are social things that have improved. Other things are major bothers. I appreciate the letters of goodwill from my family and friends and hope that people will draw the appropriate conclusions.

Faith in the Future

 בס"ד

Thank God today was a peaceful day here in Beit Shemesh. I took a walk, talked to friends, and did some errands. I spend an increasing amount of time in contemplation, and this seems to be the most important thing that I do. 

I didn’t see any apparent hostile military action. Many, but not all, businesses are closed. The concern is that crowds may be a target for a terrorist attack. I was in the supermarket and the shelves were not nearly as full as they normally are, and there are longer lines at the checkout  because of increased shopping. I haven't seen any Arabs in the city since the start of the war. Normally there are many Arab workers. 

There has been a major military mobilization of about 300,000 soldiers. The politicians are saying that there will be major punitive action against Gaza. Already there has been extensive bombing. So far there have counted 800 Israeli fatalities, both military and civilian and the number is expected to increase as the situation clarifies. There are predictions for a long bloody war.

Most of the areas taken by the Palestinians have been recovered. The concern is that the conflict will expand into a larger conflict with the Arab / Moslem world. Presently at the maximum there have only been small indications.

From my standpoint there are extensive social problems in Israeli and Jewish society that show little sign of being remedied, consequently it seems like we are headed for a major shake up. My thinking is cloudy about this. In spite of having friends, I often feel alienated and persecuted, but the situation is not so bad that I’d risk my life or sacrifice a friend to change it. War involves suffering and if it's a long one, being over 70, it's uncertain how much I will be able to enjoy the benefits of better times. On the other hand people do live to be over 100 in good health, as a result there is room for optimistic fantasies. I may even enjoy seeing the destruction of the wicked. My faith in the goodness and wisdom of God remains strong, therefore while there is some gloom about the short term, I remain cheerful about the future.

SAFE IN BEIT SHEMESH

 בס"ד

There were no attacks in Beit Shemesh today in any way, shape, or form. There were no missile attacks or guerilla attacks. I did see at least two low flying Israeli helicopters and a police car with flashing lights. Arab manual laborers, which have been a common sight, have been banned from the city. They tend to be maintenance men, garbage men, bus drivers, and supermarket stock clerks. Schools are closed and so are some businesses. 

For myself I took down my sukkah and did laundry which had accumulated over the holiday. I also gave my havrusa (study partner) a phone call, but we did not manage to meet.  I took walks in the morning and afternoon, watched YouTube videos, and read the news.

There is a lot of analysis of the war, specifically the success of Hamas and how it escaped the Israeli network of spies. It seems to me the story is in the morale of both sides. Hamas morale is very high and Israeli morale is very low. The state’s conduct of warfare has infuriated the enemy and this showed up in the spirited attack. Israeli society is corrupt and frivolous, consequently their response was sluggish and empty. Ominously there has been increased attacks by Hezbollah from Lebanon and an increase in “lone wolf” Arab attacks on Jews. It looks like the Hamas strategy is to bleed the State of Israel and they will kill civilians as easily as soldiers. There is talk that the Medina is planning a ground operation in Gaza. How long this situation will last remains uncertain.

I’d say that the immediate trigger of the war is the intention by Israel to give Saudi Arabia the ability to independently produce atom bombs. This is totally unacceptable to Iran. Most likely they told Hamas to attack. Hamas is also extremely angry about the Saudi intention to reciprocate by establishing diplomatic relations with Israel. About a week ago Iran leaked photos of former prime minister Ehud Barak and opposition leader Gantz in their homes. It struck me as an implied threat to kill Netanyahu if he kills the heads of Hamas as has often been threatened. 

The government remains shakey. There is talk of opposition leaders Gantz and Lapid joining it. I don’t see United Torah Judaism agreeing to the drafting of Haredim and it is very questionable if they will agree to any delay in the appropriate legislation concerning this. The war has put the issue of concessions to the Palestinians on the back burner. But if Netanyahu should exploit the war to do just this, the Religious Nationalist may immediately leave the government. Labor remains adamantly opposed to Netanyahu and blames him for the war. The leftist protests against the Orthodox have stopped at least for the moment.

Generally I’m in a good mood. The war is on my mind, but not greatly. I’m more concerned about the things that ordinarily bother me. My hope is that people will give their values a reality check and the social problems that bedevil me will be remedied.

Gaza War: Saturday Night, October 7, 2023

It’s 9:00 PM here in Israel and I’m about to go to sleep. I have made it through the day. As you know Gaza has a military operation against the State of Israel. This morning they launched missile attacks targeting a number of cities including Beit Shemesh, where I live. I heard the rockets explode and there were also sirens. It does not look like they did any harm, thank God. Hamas also launched guerilla attacks on Israeli communities close to Gaza. These were deadly and about 100 Israelis have been killed. Ramat Beit Shemesh is about 57 kilometers or 31 nautical miles from Gaza and therefore not a target. 

Right now the Israel army is restoring control to the areas seized by the Palestinians. The concern was that this could spark a general war. It does not look like this is going to happen. The Arab citizens have no inclination to join the conflict and generally prefer to remain in the Jewish state. The Palestinian Authority (Judea & Samaria / West Bank, Hezbollah in southern Lebanon, and Syria have expressed support for Hamas but have declined to engage in hostilities. The other Arab states have generally called for restraint on both sides. As such I presently estimate that military activities on both sides will not last more that a week. 

Continued missile attacks are a possibility. I do have a bomb shelter one flight of stairs up and the State has an early warning system. As such I am reasonably safe. There is no realistic possibility of a significant guerilla attack in my locale. As long as there is a concern, I’ll keep you posted.

Bereishit: Return to Purity, Return to Paradise

In parshat Bereishit Adam the first man and by extension all humanity sins by eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. For this he is expelled from the Garden of Eden. This is generally understood as a desire for promiscuity and this is by far the most common sin of humanity. The idea of a desire for virginity would seem to be very alien from the secular world. However my personal experience often is much different. 

In college I had a friend who fell in love with a girl. They made love for the first time together. After which the girl broke off the relationship with the intention of playing the field. My friend was crushed. However after he recovered, he became quite wild, and could score at will. When I was impressed, to my surprise he said that he would give up all the chickadees for his sweetheart. He explained that the other girls meant nothing to him but his beloved meant alot. I pondered what he said. His sweetheart was very pretty and far prettier than the girls he subsequently dated. I thought to myself that if I had the choice between his sweetheart and his other interests, I'd take the sweetheart every time.  In this case to me variety was pointless.

Sometime later I moved to Manhattan. There I got involved with Orthodox Judaism. Living with my parents, I had gone to synagogue regularly. My family were leaders of the Jewish community and both Jews and non Jews considered us to be royalty. By the time I graduated high school, I had absorbed everything Conservative Judaism had to offer. More importantly I needed to find my own way.

I also made a number of trips to Israel. On the first trip I decided to move there. However, when I discussed it with an immigration counsellor, I could barely get the words out of my mouth. It was as if Israel was on the other side of the Sambatyan. The Sambatyon is a mythical river in Jewish literature that is uncrossable because it is flowing with fire and stones. However it seems to be a metaphor for emotional and pychological barriers, basically estrangement. It took four years for me to get my head and heart in the right place to get on a plane with a one-way ticket. It turned out that the flight was the easiest part of my moving to Israel.

While this was happening I started to date a girl I met while taking courses at NYU Graduate School. She was unusual because she wanted to convert to Judaism. It was basically platonic. However, when things started getting romantic, she said to me that she must get the wildness out of her system, after that she would be my virgin. I was taken aback and replied that I never had thought in those terms, but whatever my point of view was, it was not that. As it turned out I moved to Israel before anything happened. 

Once in Israel I moved to the Haredi neighborhood, Geula, and spent alot of time studying Torah in yeshiva. The subject of Ruth Blau kept coming up. She was generally considered a great woman. She wound up marrying the chief rabbi of the Neturei Karta and living in Meah Sharim. She struck me a high maintenance woman living in a total slum. She was quite beautiful, but the Neturei Karta specifically makes their women ugly. When asked how she got into so many unusual situations, she replied that at every step she made the best decisions she could and this is where it brought her. The comment remained with me.

In short her story was that she was a convert who came to Israel and Judaism out of love of religion and the Jewish people. She had done some wild things which can be expressed in the words of the Billie Joel song, "You may be right, I may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for". People often said she was a night club singer. Everone agreed she had never been a nightclub singer, rather it was a euphemism for sordid aspects of her life. 

Generally I reacted with boredom and irritation. I had suffered myself in life and had always been a friend of distressed people. At the time I was working as a caregiver for psychotics. They were in and out of mental institutions, taking lithium, and receiving electroconvulsive therapy. The seamy side of life for many was titillating, for me it had no entertainment value whatsoever because I had seen too much human suffering and depravity.

Even worse Rebbitzen Ruth Blau was much like my Aunt Kaye. When I was young my mother had a nervous breakdown requiring hospitalization. Nobody knew when she was going to get out if ever. It was a family of six children and my father was looking for a housekeeper. Kaye was staying at the home of a friend of my mother and the friend told my father that Kaye could do the job and he would only need to pay her a small amount of money. Kaye took the job. It turned out she was a fundamentalist Christian, who frequently quoted the Bible and told stores about Jesus. She loved the Jews and saw them as God's chosen people. She was fifteen and a half, truant, came from a dysfunctional family, and had a boyfriend who was not her first. My older sister and I reacted to her with love. So did my uncle, who was over twenty years her senior. Lenny was recently divorced and a womanizer. He wrote her a love letter that got quick results and they dated for a short time. When my mother recovered, he married Kaye. She had just turned sixteen and they subsequently had two children.

This did not go over well with my Grandmother, who was basically a religious fanatic. That Kaye was sixteen and from a distressed background, did not bother her all that much. The fact that she was not Jewish made my grandmother all but impossible to deal with. For Kaye this played into her hands. She converted with her little children to Judaism and sent them to an orthodox Jewish day school. The strange thing was that all the time Kaye was with my uncle, she looked and behaved like a virgin.

In a recent book about Ruth Blau an incident is recounted with a befuddled tone, how she started making a scene in Meah Sharim, crying, and screaming she was a virgin. I was not befuddled. It seems to me her loss of purity tormented her that much, and this seems to be her greatness. It may be an example to the world, especially the Jewish people, how upsetting our lack of purity should be. And this may be the rectification of the sin of Adam the first man and our return to the Garden of Eden. 

Things did not end well for Kaye and Lenny. Lenny was anti religious and pulled the children out of Jewish day school. Kaye had another walk on the wild side. They got a divorce and my uncle died of cancer a few years an later. Years after that, when I returned from Israel to attend the weddings of two of my sisters, I unexpectedly I got a call from Kaye. We chatted some. Still reckoning herself as a Jew, and still a spiritual seeker she told me of her trip to India and stay on an American Indian reservation. Suddenly she broke out crying sobbing she never loved a man like she loved my uncle.

It seems to me often paradise is a frame of mind with fleeting aspects of it in this world. It can be seen in the pristine blue of the Mediterranean when travelling from Tel Aviv to Haifa, in Venus sparkling like a diamond in the sky, the birds singing in your yard in the morning, and in the view of the Temple Mount from the promenade in Jerusalem's east Talpiot neighborhood.

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